I Can’t Do This!

As my due date gets closer (less than 2 weeks away!) and the reality that our little bundle of joy could decide she’s ready for her birthday literally any day now, I have a confession to make: I’m terrified. Yes, the nursery is 100% ready, the hospital bag is packed (along with a list of last minute items to add), the car seat is properly installed in the car and has been checked by the fire department technician, every item on my “before baby” to do list is checked off, and our close friends and family are waiting on standby. I should be calm, collected, and at peace with the imminent arrival of the little miracle that we’ve been waiting and praying for, not just for the almost nine months of my pregnancy, but also for the 18 long and sometimes heartbreaking months of trying that preceded them. 

And yet, some nights I lie in bed forcing myself to breathe through the cloud of fear that overwhelms me when I think about the fact that I will soon be a mother.  I let doubts creep in when I remember the facts I’ve learned and horror stories I’ve heard about labor – and let’s face it, this close to my first delivery, even the good stories sound like horror stories. ;) I suddenly think, “I can’t do this! I’ve changed my mind! I can’t deliver a baby, let alone raise one.” I catalogue my flaws and shortcomings, stacking them against myself as reasons why this is all a big mistake and tell myself over and over that I know nothing about being a mom. The “what if’s” start to push their way into my thoughts, including: “what if I don’t realize I’m in labor?”, “what if she doesn’t like me?”, and “what if I make a big mistake that ruins her life forever?”. In these moments, I find myself on the verge of panic (and of course, the pregnancy hormones don’t help).

And then I look over to see my wonderful husband lying next to me and I realize something: I am not alone. Just that simple thought is enough to push away the “what ifs”, the doubts, and the fear. As my mind clears, another thought surfaces: we are not alone. Not only do we have friends and family that will love and support us no matter what, we have a God that promises to lead us gently through our most difficult paths. Usually around this time, I feel a gentle (or not so gentle) kick or nudge from my precious daughter and I remember again what a miracle it is that she even exists. I feel the joy that bubbled up when I first discovered she was coming, and when we saw her on the ultrasound for the first time, and then when we found out we were having a little girl. I start to think about how soon it may be that I can hold her in my arms, look into her eyes, kiss the top of her head, and smell that sweet newborn scent. The fear fades to the background, still present, but nothing compared to the anticipation and excitement of meeting our sweet miracle face to face. 

So my encouragement to you today is this: always remember that no matter how frightening or overwhelming something might seem you are not alone.