Since this is my first blog
post (ever), I suppose I should start by introducing myself. I’m Alicia Carter,
wife to Justin and (soon-to-be) mother of Evelyn. We also have a little dog, a
7 lb Shih Tzu named Sookie who is about to be dethroned as the princess in the
house. :) I went to Pepperdine University and spent a
year substitute teaching and 3.5 years as a marketing professional for a small
company before I “retired” in February of 2012 to become a full-time homemaker.
I’m also a writer – on hiatus because I’m a huge chicken and afraid of putting
myself out in the publishing world and being rejected (no, seriously, I’m not
kidding). I love to knit, read, go on walks, and spend time with my family. I’m
very blessed to be a member of Cordova, and have been since I was born.
I’m excited (and nervous) to
start contributing to the MOPS blog this year. My goal for my weekly posts is
to share my “musings” – things that have been on my mind for the last week. I’m
simply hoping to open up my heart to all you wonderful ladies and maybe offer
some encouragement in the process. It’s been awhile since I’ve done any
consistent writing, and I’ve never contributed to a blog before, so please bear
with me as I find my voice again. :) Here
we go!
Recently I’ve been struggling
with something that I’m discovering is a pretty common problem among women,
especially mothers: self-inflicted guilt. As a new mother – well, mother-to-be
(6 more weeks till my due date, yikes!) – I’m sure that all of you have a lot
more to teach me about dealing with this issue than the other way around, but
I’d like to share my limited experience in hopes that even one of you might be
encouraged, or at least know that you’re not alone.
I’m a pretty productive and
motivated person in general. Granted I have my days of laziness and
procrastination, but typically I don’t feel like I’ve had a good day unless
I’ve accomplished something or crossed a few things off my never-ending to do
list. (For example, today I wrote my MOPS blog post: check! Yay, me! :) ) While
this trait can be a great thing that keeps our household running smoothly, it’s
become much more of a challenge to keep up with my normal daily routine while
pregnant, as I’m sure many of you have experienced.
I’ve been blessed with a fairly
easy pregnancy, but even still, growing another human being is hard work and it
takes its toll. Between the exhaustion, weight gain, swelling appendages, aches
& pains, heartburn, digestion issues, and the lovely raging hormones,
sometimes it’s all I can do to get myself dressed in the morning and remember
to pick up a loaf of bread because we ran out two days ago. My sweet husband Justin has been nothing but
understanding and supportive through my entire pregnancy: picking up all the
slack around the house, insisting that I sit down when he thinks I’m doing too
much, and refusing to let me lift or reach for anything once he’s home. Even
with his never-ending willingness to help me, there are days when I’m plagued
with self-inflicted guilt that I can’t keep up with my household tasks now that
I’m almost 8 months pregnant. Evening conversations in my house often go like
this:
“Justin, I’m sorry I didn’t get
to the dishes today.”
“It’s ok, baby, I’ll take care
of it.”
“But I should have done it! I
had time, I was just so exhausted. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
“You’re allowed to be exhausted
– you’re growing a BABY!”
“But I’m still sorry – I should
have –“
“Stop apologizing!”
As patient as Justin is, he
absolutely hates it when I beat myself up and wallow in guilt for things like
forgetting to put the laundry in the dryer and not making a gourmet meal every
night. He would much rather have Kraft macaroni and cheese for dinner and know
that his pregnant wife is relaxed and at ease, enjoying herself while she knits
with her feet up. These impossible standards I think I need to live up to don’t
come from him, so why do I make myself feel guilty so often for not meeting
them?
I’m not sure I really have an
answer for that question, but I think part of it for me is that my role as a
wife is to make our house a home. I want to make a comfortable place for my
husband to come home to at the end of a long and busy day in the office; a
place where he can relax and unwind. I also feel very strongly that he works
hard as the sole breadwinner so that I can stay home and run the household, and
that is what I should be doing.
Maybe you feel guilty because
you’re having trouble being patient with the phase your child is going through,
your family is in a season of extreme busyness, or you just can’t seem to
maintain that Zen-like attitude that other moms always seem to have in the
midst of the chaos. We’re so hard on ourselves, especially in our technology-infused
world where other women post on Pinterest all of the amazing projects they’ve
done or share on Facebook about their idyllic lives. Don’t get me wrong, I love
having access to all kinds of technology and I’m afraid I’m a bit of a Facebook
addict, but with all the information I have access to, sometimes it’s hard not
to feel like I’m the only one who just can’t keep up.
Thankfully, Justin keeps
reminding me that we’re a team and I need to stop being so stubborn and admit
when I need help. He’s also been telling me over and over for the past several
months that right now, my primary job is to take care of myself so that our
daughter can grow healthy and strong inside of me. Perhaps the reason I have so
much trouble accepting that is because I can’t check it off a daily list. I
can’t determine how much I’ve accomplished at the end of the day, because
that’s not exactly a measurable task. But Justin’s right, being the mother my
daughter needs me to be is much more important than an empty dishwasher, an
organized pantry, and a spotless toilet.
I’m learning (the hard way, of
course) that I can’t make our house a home and be the kind of wife and mother
God created me to be if I constantly allow myself to be weighed down by guilt. I’m
not perfect, so I can’t expect myself to perfectly accomplish every goal or
task. There’s a limit to the number of hours in the day and the amount of
energy I’m able to expend before I need a break (especially right now). I need
to learn to be realistic and to give myself permission to be human, because
someday I want my little girl to see that while it’s important to be
responsible, life is about more than a daily to do list. I want her to grow up
knowing that she is more important to me than having the house look perfect or
dinner on the table at the exact same time every night. I’m not trying to
change my personality, and I know that organization and productivity will
always be a part of who I am. However, I will try to remind myself that an
immaculate house, monthly meal plan, organized calendar, and perfectly coiffed
wife are not the things that make our house a home. I’ll try to give myself a
little more grace, and to remember the things that are most important – instead
of piling on the guilt for a less-than-productive day.
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